Category Archives: Thoughtful Thursday

Standards for Adulthood

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It sounds dramatic to phrase it like this, but sometimes I sabotage myself. The other night I flipped open my computer at about 10:30, even though minutes before I had been planning to head to bed. As is inevitable, I ended up surfing the internet for over an hour, not really doing anything useful. And once I shut the laptop, I had trouble falling asleep because I’d gotten wound up from my piddling and from the light of the screen. So then once I didn’t sleep well, I didn’t get up to go to the gym the next morning, and I started the day feeling groggy and upset with myself for not exercising. I knew I really needed to go to bed, but I didn’t.

Sometimes making a decision like that makes me feel like an adult. “I’m an adult and I’m going to stay up until midnight watching Veronica Mars because I can and no one can tell me not to!!” And then sometimes it just makes me feel like crap.

I know it’s important to give yourself grace. But I also think it’s important not to give yourself too much. Especially as a type-A personality, I need to have standards for myself. Holding myself to certain standards is, I’d say, a large part of what has made me successful at the things I’ve been successful at in my life. My parents were never super hard on me about grades because they knew I was hard enough on myself, and in fact I made mostly A’s for my entire school career.

I believe that I am capable of a lot and I strive for near-perfection in most things. I am perhaps more disappointed in myself over perceived failures than others because I believe I can be better (even over silly things like giving in to eating a cookie in the kitchen at work). But there’s gotta be a line somewhere between beating myself up and being grumpy over mess-ups while still not sabotaging myself on a Sunday night when I’m lured in by the computer.

How do you handle “keeping yourself in line?” Do you struggle with standards, whether realistic or not?

Eat to Live

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There are always snacks at my women’s Bible study group, and even though I’ve always eaten dinner before I come, I always eat the snacks. Sometimes, I try to plan my dinner accordingly, knowing that I will nibble on something. But at our last meeting, there was a bowl of caramel popcorn that I could not. Stop. Eating. If you asked me objectively if I liked caramel popcorn, I would say no. If you handed me a menu of desserts and caramel popcorn was one of the options, it’s never the one I would pick. Yet I couldn’t keep my hand out of that bowl. I even told myself at one point, “Okay, you’re done. You can stop now.” And then I went back for more. I’m sure there are worse things than caramel popcorn, but I felt low. I felt like I ought to be able to control when I stopped eating. I felt like I ought to be able to say no.

Enter the Whole 30.

I’ve heard about this plan for awhile. I like that it doesn’t bill itself as a “diet.” Instead, its creators really want to help you change your mindset about food, and I think I’m ready for that. The caramel popcorn incident sent me over the edge.

The gist of the Whole 30 is that you eat whole foods for 30 days. It cuts out some elements that I’ve always thought were “healthy,” like all legumes and dairy, but it also cuts out the usual suspects: all added sugar and “sugar,” alcohol, grains, white potatoes. The authors say, “Eat foods with very few ingredients, all pronounceable ingredients, or better yet, no ingredients listed at all because they’re totally natural and unprocessed.”

I eat pretty healthy, and I am pretty active, but I think it’s easy to use moderation as a crutch. You know, a lot of times magazines and whatnot give the advice to “just take the stairs” and it’ll make a difference, but Jillian Michaels, fitness guru extraordinaire, says “That is a false method of lethargy that isn’t doing you any favors. You ARE capable of working out. You’re capable of working out HARD.” I’m sort of feeling that about my diet lately.

I also listened to a podcast recently featuring Stanford professor BJ Fogg and his premise that in order to enact personal change, you need to make the change so small that it doesn’t take any willpower. For example, he started doing one pushup every time he went to the bathroom. And eventually, he started doing more. And then pushups weren’t hard anymore, so he started doing them other times as well. He’s currently working on putting his socks on inside out, just as a means of being in control of his behaviors. And something about that appealed to me: being so conscious of yourself that you’re trying to change a random behavior just because you can.

So given all of that, it’s a perfect storm that’s making me want to try to Whole 30. I want to see what I feel like if I’m eating that way, and I want to change my behaviors just as an experiment.

I’m sort of dithering, which is exactly what the authors say not to do, but I’m planning to start at the beginning of a month, because for my obsessive compulsive self that just seems right. (Plus, I want to read the book ahead of time and really give the psychological side its due weight.) However, I realized there was no reason I couldn’t start making some of the suggested changes in the meantime! Two areas where I’m trying to break my patterns of thinking are in what constitutes a “meal” and in what a snack looks like. Somehow I’ve gotten it in my head that a meal includes a meat, a starch, and a veggie. (I also cook a fair amount of casseroles, but that’s a whole other post…) But who’s to say you can’t have 2 veggies instead of the starch?! And as far as snacks go, I often envision pretzels or a granola bar. But why can’t my snack be a hard-boiled egg?! So I’m playing with these mental shifts even though I haven’t fully dived into the Whole 30.

I’m trying in the build up to put more “whole food” recipe blogs in my line of vision. I don’t keep potato chips in the house and I mostly don’t miss them, so I’m applying a similar principle to what I consume on the internet. I’ll probably be excited about whatever is in front of me, so I can let it be caramel popcorn or I can try and let it be healthier fare. Most of the recipes I’ve looked at so far have looked delicious and honestly no more difficult than what I currently cook, and the array of snacks I can think about having on hand is exciting! I think that cheese will be the hardest for me to give up, because I’ve always thought of it as a pretty healthy, proteinatious snack option.

I’ve never done any sort of diet in my life EVER, so this feels like a really big deal to me. But I’m trying to be really careful not to think of it as a weight-loss strategy. I really want to change how I think about food. I get a little panicky thinking that I might love it and I might never eat a chocolate bar again, but I will just have to cross that bridge if I come to it. I’ll keep you posted once I get started as I find recipes I like, and I’ll report back about how I’m feeling.

Do you have a favorite diet plan or approach to food? Have you ever tackled a big behavorial change like this?

What Does Charity Look Like?

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When you live in, work in, or frequently visit the intown neighborhoods of a big city, it’s a foregone conclusion that you will encounter people begging: asking for money, asking for food, sitting on the sidewalk with a cup. You’ll probably also encounter people who aren’t asking but whose demeanor indicates that they’re not in the best shape. You could write a whole book on this topic, and in fact plenty of people have, but as I work in emergency assistance and live in the city, it’s a problem that I ponder a lot. I’m not going to lie, people often make me uncomfortable. I want to be a model of “Christian charity” and be friendly and generous, but I’m also a young, reasonably attractive woman, and fear tends to jump to mind before generosity. Also, working at a nonprofit where I encounter people in need most days, I think I’ve become even more skeptical of the stories people weave to try and sway me on the street. I don’t like this about myself, but it’s a fact. Watching the news makes me feel justified in being afraid, but reading the Bible makes me feel convicted that I’m falling short.

So what to do? I don’t know all the answers. Here are two situations I’ve encountered recently.

One Sunday afternoon, a teenager in a baseball uniform came up to me with a grungy laminated paper and a bucket with a story about collecting money to try and get his team to some tournament. I smiled politely and said, “Not today.” (That’s my canned response…it sounds polite, but I also know in the back of my mind that it won’t be tomorrow either…) He very well may have been collecting money for his baseball team, and a lot of people would say it’s not my place to judge: I should just give if I feel led to give and move on, not worrying about what he did with the money. But I think sometimes our charity can hurt more than it helps and so I am wary of generosity in the form of cash.

Another night, I was driving home late after a work event. Andy was out of town, so no one was expecting me. I had multiple takeout containers of leftover catered food in my backseat. As I exited the interstate to a mostly deserted intersection, I saw a man standing by the red light with a sign that said something about being hungry. I glanced at the food in my rearview mirror. I didn’t need it. But I was afraid to roll my window down; afraid to be a woman alone in a car opening the window to a man, even just enough to reach out and hand him some food. I sat awkwardly avoiding his glance until the light turned green, and I went home. I felt ashamed, but I also felt like I had made the right decision for my safety. I hate that dichotomy, and I’m in awe of stories where people go above and beyond to help a stranger, especially this one I read recently where a mom and her kids did things I would have been terrified to do.

I’m pretty buttoned up with my cash. Andy and I keep a budget, as you know if you’ve been reading this blog for any amount of time, and it’s a zero-based budget: we give every dollar a job, and some of those dollars’ jobs are to go to charities of our choosing. So for me to hand someone a 20 on the street would be outside of my budget. That’s a lame excuse, but it crosses my mind. Should I budget some 20s for those situations? I don’t know. I’m also a rule-follower and trust in our systems, probably because the system has never let me down. I can’t imagine what it must be like when you fall through the cracks, or even when you follow all the “rules” and things still don’t turn out right. I would hope that people on the streets could find other avenues for help than my wallet, but perhaps my trust in those avenues is a little too strong given the number of people that still need help.

I love the idea of keeping “blessing bags” (though the name is pretty patronizing) or even just granola bars in your car to give to people. Food is tangible, and I’m not skeptical of giving it like I am of cash. I don’t know exactly what I think is going to happen if I engage with someone enough to give them help in the form of food. Andy and I were semi-approached by a guy one night when we were walking home with a to-go box, and Andy happily turned it over to him. He said thanks and kept walking, and we went home. It was fine. But whenever I see someone who looks they might be going to approach me, my heart starts to race a little bit. When I see someone hanging out by the sidewalk asking everyone who passes by for help, I put my eyes to the ground and pick up my pace. I usually try to at least give a quick glance and a smile, not that that helps them at all.

I’m not proud of these stories, but they’re the truth, and I think this is a conversation we all need to be having. It’s not okay to turn a blind eye to folks in need, but I think you also have to be true to yourself. I just wish my true self were a little more open to fearless generosity.

How do you handle situations when you are approached for money or assistance? What philosophy colors your interactions with people who need help?

Making Friends

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I read a fascinating article awhile ago about making friends as an adult. (Well, it was about making friends over the age of 30, but I’ll extrapolate, because I think it applies.) This is obviously something that I’ve given a lot of thought to in the past few years, especially since moving to Atlanta. For me one of the stumbling blocks always seems to be, “But I have these awesome friends in other places and I don’t know how to make this new relationship be like the one I have with So and So.”

The article states that “the three conditions that sociologists since the 1950s have considered crucial to making close friends: proximity; repeated, unplanned interactions; and a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other.”

This seems to happen easily in college. You’ve obviously got the proximity thing down pat, and unplanned interactions happen easily in the cafeteria, the post office, the gym, the dorm bathroom. And we’re you’re literally living together, it’s pretty easy to let your guard down.

I spent 6 years in a dorm setting and have the friends to prove it. But once I graduated and was living in Huntsville, I exclaimed to Andy one night, “I don’t think I’m very good at making friends!” It’s so, so hard to move beyond a relationship where you see each other in a certain setting and get along well but never interact outside of that one place. And it’s even harder to know who and how to approach to try and make that happen. The author of the article puts it this way about a woman she has seen 4 times in the course of a year: “We are “friends,” but not quite friends. We keep trying to get over the hump, but life gets in the way.”

It’s so true. When everyone has jobs and marriages and especially kids, it takes an act of congress to meet up with people. I had a drink last night with two friends from my church small group who have moved to new neighborhoods. We planned the get-together 18 days ago. Hardly an unplanned interaction. But that doesn’t discount how great and important it is to see your friends. In fact, in some ways it adds even more weight to the relationship that you’re willing to set something on your calendar that far in advance.

I’ve watched my parents build a community around themselves since moving 8 years ago, and it’s pretty incredible all the different places where they’ve developed relationships. I guess for most of my life their main social group (especially for my mom) was by default the other parents of my friends, swim team-mates, etc. But now they have a pretty rich group of people with whom they do fun and interesting things.

The article puts forth a case study on a certain approach to adult friendships: “Some, like Ms. Degliantoni, the fund-raising executive, simply downsize their expectations. ‘I take an extremely efficient approach and seek out like-minded folks to fill very specific needs,’ she said of her current strategy. ‘I have a cocktail friend and a book friend and a parenting friend and several basketball friends and a neighbor friend and a workout friend. It’s much easier filling in those gaps in my life,” she added, “than doing an exhaustive approach for a new friend.’”

I could see that working pretty well actually, and being nice enough, but my heart still craves that friendship, even if it’s just one, where you can call someone and know they’ll be right over if you need them to.

I’m clearly not an expert on this, but I’m working on it…though let’s not talk about keeping up with the old friends, ’cause that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms.

Operation Christmas Child: It’s Go Time!

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After purchasing items for my shoeboxes to send out through Samaritan’s Purse all year, the time to pack and deliver the boxes has finally arrived! National collection week is November 12-19, so you still have time this weekend to collect your gifts if you’d like to participate.

I set a goal for myself this year of packing 10 boxes for $100 or less. I met my goal, but it was not a cakewalk! I literally have kept an eye out for deals pretty much since I sent off my boxes last year. As I am wont to do, I got a bit obsessive about it as a project. But I had a heart check last week when I was at Target maniacally debating over spending my last $12 on some extra little trinkets. I was looking at this as a shopping challenge, and I found it very satisfying to get great deals. I had to remind myself that the end product is not about me. It’s about the children who will receive my boxes, and who will hopefully receive joy from the items inside. It’s about sending the Christmas spirit to someone who likely has little else in the world. And so what if I didn’t get the absolute best deal on toothpaste that I could have? Once I realized that, it became fun again: I pictured the kids and wondered what country they live in. I thought about the girls putting on the stretchy plastic bracelets I bought them and the boys trading the bouncing balls. I said a little prayer for them all and tried to be mindful as I finally packed the boxes. That’s what this is all about.

But given how caught up in it all I got, I’m not sure I’ll pack boxes again next year, at least not on this level. I couldn’t afford to do 10 boxes if I didn’t find deals, so it was a great experiment to try that allowed me to potentially bless more children than I could have otherwise, but I didn’t go about it in the right mindset. I might try to find a local ministry that does something similar and perhaps volunteer with them, so that I’d get to spend time with some kids and be reminded of the bigger picture. We’ll see. But for now, the boxes!

I came in right under budget at $98.50.

I didn’t buy the plastic shoeboxes at Target this year, in order to save those $10. I found 3 shoeboxes in our closet, and then conveniently, Andy and I both got new running shoes recently, so I snagged those as well! I as able to pick up 5 pre-printed, foldable boxes at the Becoming Conference to round out my 10.

I packed 5 girl boxes and 5 boy boxes for the oldest age group, 10-14.

There’s a fair amount of overlap, though the girls got jump ropes and bracelets while the boys got slinkies and bouncy balls. Both got socks, but I found Hello Kitty socks on clearance for the girls. I tried a different tactic this year and wrapped some of the shoeboxes (which, sidenote, was HARD!), along with tying things inside with ribbon to make it more festive!

Each child will also get an Atlanta postcard with a note from me.

I love picturing the kids’ faces when they see the picture of all the big skyscrapers downtown. It was a bit difficult to know what to write. I tried to keep the language simple, imagining that they might be only fledgling English readers (if even that). I mostly just said Merry Christmas and that I hope they enjoy the gifts, but I varied it from card to card. This is something I haven’t done before but that Samaritan’s Purse recommends as a nice touch!

Here they are all ready to go:

I used the relatively new feature that Samaritan’s Purse offers of making your donation (they suggest $7 per box to cover shipping) online. Then, the labels you print have a personalized barcode so that they can track your boxes and send you an email letting you know where they go! This would be particularly cool if you have kids, because you could turn it into a mini-geography and culture lesson. (Though, not gonna lie, I find that pretty fascinating, too.) So soon enough I’ll know what country my humble little boxes end up in!

Samaritan’s Purse offers helpful guidelines for packing boxes, and you can follow along with the things I’ve bought and check out last year’s boxes in these posts:

Jenny at Southern Savers is a big supporter of this ministry, too, and she usually posts some last minute deals, so click on over to her site if you’re planning on doing some shopping this weekend!

It seems so early to be getting in the Christmas spirit, but I’m sending these boxes out into the world with a hearty dose of love and cheer.