Tag Archives: reflection

Loving the Middle

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I recently read a book that had been on my Amazon wishlist for some time. I stumbled across a copy at my parents’ house and asked my mom if I could borrow it, to which she replied yes, but in a tone that implied she wondered why I would want to. (In other words, she hadn’t liked the book that much.)

As I made my way into the book, I found myself really into it! I was invested in the characters and intrigued by the plot. It was unique and the characters seemed like people I might encounter in real life at some point. I talked to my mom on the phone and expressed that I was surprised she hadn’t enjoyed the book more.

But then I got to the end, and I understood. It wasn’t that it was bad. I can’t even pinpoint exactly what I didn’t love about the ending. But the book in sum total was not as enjoyable to me as the middle.

And I thought, what a metaphor for life.

I often find that I’m living in anticipation of the next thing. I’m planning for a trip, or wondering what my career might look like, or thinking about what’s for dinner next Tuesday. None of that is bad: I wouldn’t be who I am if I weren’t a planner, and Andy and I wouldn’t eat such good meals if I didn’t think about them in advance. But by letting myself be preoccupied with what’s coming, maybe I miss some of what’s happening. By constantly looking to the end, maybe I miss the enjoyment of the middle.

So I’m taking my experience with the book to heart. I can love the middle, and it doesn’t matter what the end looks like. If I get to the end and it’s not that great, it doesn’t cheapen my experience of joy in the middle.

Just live in the middle, and love it.

Standards for Adulthood

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It sounds dramatic to phrase it like this, but sometimes I sabotage myself. The other night I flipped open my computer at about 10:30, even though minutes before I had been planning to head to bed. As is inevitable, I ended up surfing the internet for over an hour, not really doing anything useful. And once I shut the laptop, I had trouble falling asleep because I’d gotten wound up from my piddling and from the light of the screen. So then once I didn’t sleep well, I didn’t get up to go to the gym the next morning, and I started the day feeling groggy and upset with myself for not exercising. I knew I really needed to go to bed, but I didn’t.

Sometimes making a decision like that makes me feel like an adult. “I’m an adult and I’m going to stay up until midnight watching Veronica Mars because I can and no one can tell me not to!!” And then sometimes it just makes me feel like crap.

I know it’s important to give yourself grace. But I also think it’s important not to give yourself too much. Especially as a type-A personality, I need to have standards for myself. Holding myself to certain standards is, I’d say, a large part of what has made me successful at the things I’ve been successful at in my life. My parents were never super hard on me about grades because they knew I was hard enough on myself, and in fact I made mostly A’s for my entire school career.

I believe that I am capable of a lot and I strive for near-perfection in most things. I am perhaps more disappointed in myself over perceived failures than others because I believe I can be better (even over silly things like giving in to eating a cookie in the kitchen at work). But there’s gotta be a line somewhere between beating myself up and being grumpy over mess-ups while still not sabotaging myself on a Sunday night when I’m lured in by the computer.

How do you handle “keeping yourself in line?” Do you struggle with standards, whether realistic or not?

Goal Setting: “S” Through and Through

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I am epically bad at setting goals–long-term, short-term, daily, weekly…I sit down to try and come up with things I would like to do and my mind goes utterly blank. This seems odd to me because I’m such a planner and love having things spelled out. My layman’s psychoanalysis theory is that it’s because I’m an “S” on the Myers-Briggs spectrum. According to one description, this means, “I’m concerned with what is actual, present, current, and real” and that “sometimes I pay so much attention to facts, either present or past, that I miss new possibilities.” On the flip side of the spectrum is the “N” personality type, who is “interested in new things and what might be possible, so that [she] think[s] more about the future than the past” and even “sometimes think[s] so much about new possibilities that [she] never look[s] at how to make them a reality.” I don’t want to use this as an “out” to simple excuse myself from trying to create goals for myself, but I do think it’s useful to acknowledge that it might be harder for me than for others. I don’t think I have a visionary bone in my body, because if I even start to let myself dream I end up getting caught up in the steps it would take to get to that dream so quickly that I can’t get excited about it!

I love this infographic about what makes a good goal:

Source: moneysavingmom.com via Laura on Pinterest

And I also love these two lists of questions I found from Simple Mom:

I haven’t done it yet, but I’d like to spend some time thinking through these questions and using the SMART tactic to try and give myself some structure for moving ahead. Most of the bloggers I respect and enjoy reading are excellent goal-setters and I love following their progress as they strive to achieve dreams, make practical advances, and have fun new experiences. I also love the concept of having a word or two that you’re hoping to let define your year; for example, Money Saving Mom’s word for 2013 is “margin.”

I don’t know my word.

I don’t have New Year’s Resolutions.

But I do have a few thoughts of areas where I’d like to focus more and perhaps eventually set some goals (can I say that I have a goal to set goals?!):

  • learning (more on that to come in a subsequent post)
  • relationships
  • organization

Specifically, in the area of relationships, I want to think about cultivating and continuing friendships I already have as well as expanding relationships I’m beginning to build. I’ll do the first by being intentional about making phone calls and by sending frequent texts whenever I’m thinking of someone. I really hate talking on the phone, but every time I convince myself to call a friend or to pick up when a friend calls, I find myself engrossed in our conversation, and I inevitably hang up the phone thinking, “Oh yeah! It’s really nice to talk to people you love!” I think for now I will aim for having an extended conversation with at least one far-flung friend a month. And on the text message front, I’ve realized it’s SO, so easy to shoot someone a text. And while it may seem a bit impersonal, it’s better than nothing! And often, a simple text can encourage a chain of texts, or an email, or even *gasp* a phone call.

As I build new relationships in Atlanta, I want to continue meeting with my book club and potentially attend other events with the women in that group. I also want to try and have a monthly girls’ night out with some people. This has been happening sporadically, and we always have a great time, so even though planning the outings often proves difficult, it’s well worth my while to send a few emails and calendar invites. Finally, I think I might go WAY out on a limb and ask a select few people if they’d like to run together occassionally. I went for a run the other day on the Beltline and had a blast; it may turn me into a runner yet! And if it’s already something I’m trying to do, why not involve a burgeoning friend in my efforts and kill two birds with one stone?

As far as organization, Andy and I will be staying put in our apartment for another year (at least as far as we know at this point), which is fine, but I want to purge and re-organize as if we were going to be moving. We live in a fairly small space. All of our stuff fits, even with all the shopping I’ve done in the past year, but I think we definitely have more than we need, and the things we do need could be organized more effectively. I think it’s healthy to evaluate your possessions on a regular basis, and since it’s been awhile since we moved, I’d say it’s time! Hopefully we can make a few bucks selling some of the things on Craisglist, eBay, or Amazon. I also think this activity will help me be content in our living situation–we love our neighborhood, and I love the majority of the stuff in our apartment, but when things are crammed in and disorganized it’s easy to become frustrated. I’m planning to set a weekend soon to do this with Andy, so I’ll report back and let you know how it goes!

Do you have any resolutions or goals for 2013? What’s your process for planning for the future? 

rest.

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I’m taking a class on Sunday nights at church called Life Keys: Discovering Your Design. Basically for every session we look at a different personality evaluation and think about where we fit on its given spectrum, but it’s all done through the lens of having been created by a Designer for a Purpose. So as we figure out things about ourselves, we’re able to examine what that might mean as far as a vocation, as far as leisure time, and as far as relationships with our spouses, friends, and family. I’ve been feeling a bit at loose ends lately, so I’m hoping doing some of this soul searching will give me some clarity, or even just peace about why I am the ways I am.

I missed last Sunday’s class, but I got together with the instructor for coffee to talk about the lesson. It was on values, which the book defines as things that:

  • feel important to you,
  • define your fundamental character,
  • supply meaning to your life and work,
  • influence the decisions you make,
  • compel you to take and stand, and
  • describe atmospheres where you can be productive.

The exercise walks you through a list of values and has you rank them into a list of 8 that are very important to you. My eight ended up being:

  1. competency
  2. control
  3. efficiency
  4. fairness
  5. financial security
  6. productivity
  7. organization
  8. stability

Sensing a bit of a theme there? My instructor did, and as we were talking about what competency, control, and productivity meant to me and how I lived those values out, he looked at me and said, “How do you rest, Laura?”

I squirmed a little and then I said, “Cooking? To which he pointed out that if that’s my rest, then even my rest involves doing. It’s true, although I still think it can be a form of rest. The kitchen is definitely one of my happy places.

I read a lot, and I suppose that is a way of resting, but I don’t approach my books in a restful manner. Unless I’m completely engrossed, I’m often thinking, “I really could/should be doing x, y, z right now instead of enjoying this book.” And more often, I use reading as a reward: “I’ll sit down and read after I finish cleaning the bathroom and get dinner in the oven.” But the list of things I have to do first often grows and grows, until it is bedtime and I have yet to pick up my book. So I guess it’s clear that I struggle to prioritize rest, and in fact can hardly think what rest would feel like or look like for me personally.

On Saturday, I spontaneously decided to go see the newest Twilight movie. I actually really like going to the movies by myself. I splurged on a Diet Coke and a popcorn, and as the lights went down and the theme music poured out of the speakers I thought, “Ah! This feels sort of like I’m maybe resting.” I was completely taken away by the movie–this  might belong to a different post, but for what it’s worth, I found the emotions much more real in this one, and something about those darn CGI wolves just tugged right at my heartstrings! I thought the ending was well done and the end credits were pretty epic. ANYWAY, as I practiced escapism in its truest form, I realized I felt rested. I should do that more often.

BUT, as a list-maker, organizer, and doer, adding any “shoulds” to my repertoire could be dangerous. Once something becomes a should, I’m likely to make time for it–but at that point, will it even be restful anymore?

At church yesterday, as the pastor introduced communion and invited us to the Lord’s table, he said, “Brothers and Sisters, come take your meal and find your rest.”

Whoa.

It gave me pause to hear the table described like that, and also the timing for his particular invitation was uncanny.

I clearly don’t have the answers about rest, but I’m sure hoping to find some, because I think I need it, especially going into the busy-ness of the holiday season.

How do you rest?

Making Friends

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I read a fascinating article awhile ago about making friends as an adult. (Well, it was about making friends over the age of 30, but I’ll extrapolate, because I think it applies.) This is obviously something that I’ve given a lot of thought to in the past few years, especially since moving to Atlanta. For me one of the stumbling blocks always seems to be, “But I have these awesome friends in other places and I don’t know how to make this new relationship be like the one I have with So and So.”

The article states that “the three conditions that sociologists since the 1950s have considered crucial to making close friends: proximity; repeated, unplanned interactions; and a setting that encourages people to let their guard down and confide in each other.”

This seems to happen easily in college. You’ve obviously got the proximity thing down pat, and unplanned interactions happen easily in the cafeteria, the post office, the gym, the dorm bathroom. And we’re you’re literally living together, it’s pretty easy to let your guard down.

I spent 6 years in a dorm setting and have the friends to prove it. But once I graduated and was living in Huntsville, I exclaimed to Andy one night, “I don’t think I’m very good at making friends!” It’s so, so hard to move beyond a relationship where you see each other in a certain setting and get along well but never interact outside of that one place. And it’s even harder to know who and how to approach to try and make that happen. The author of the article puts it this way about a woman she has seen 4 times in the course of a year: “We are “friends,” but not quite friends. We keep trying to get over the hump, but life gets in the way.”

It’s so true. When everyone has jobs and marriages and especially kids, it takes an act of congress to meet up with people. I had a drink last night with two friends from my church small group who have moved to new neighborhoods. We planned the get-together 18 days ago. Hardly an unplanned interaction. But that doesn’t discount how great and important it is to see your friends. In fact, in some ways it adds even more weight to the relationship that you’re willing to set something on your calendar that far in advance.

I’ve watched my parents build a community around themselves since moving 8 years ago, and it’s pretty incredible all the different places where they’ve developed relationships. I guess for most of my life their main social group (especially for my mom) was by default the other parents of my friends, swim team-mates, etc. But now they have a pretty rich group of people with whom they do fun and interesting things.

The article puts forth a case study on a certain approach to adult friendships: “Some, like Ms. Degliantoni, the fund-raising executive, simply downsize their expectations. ‘I take an extremely efficient approach and seek out like-minded folks to fill very specific needs,’ she said of her current strategy. ‘I have a cocktail friend and a book friend and a parenting friend and several basketball friends and a neighbor friend and a workout friend. It’s much easier filling in those gaps in my life,” she added, “than doing an exhaustive approach for a new friend.’”

I could see that working pretty well actually, and being nice enough, but my heart still craves that friendship, even if it’s just one, where you can call someone and know they’ll be right over if you need them to.

I’m clearly not an expert on this, but I’m working on it…though let’s not talk about keeping up with the old friends, ’cause that’s a whole ‘nother can of worms.